How to Stop Complaining and Start Living
When I was at the bus terminal on the way home one day, I overheard a fellow passenger talking over the phone. He seemed to be speaking with his friend with anguish. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their conversation.
When I was at the bus terminal on the way home one day, I overheard a fellow passenger talking over the phone. He seemed to be speaking with his friend with anguish. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their conversation.
Apparently, his boss failed to give him clear logistical instructions. He was at the terminal as early as 7pm, but the bus leaves at 10!
He was angry that he was cursing and couldn’t stop complaining about how incompetent their boss was and how things would be different if they traded places!
Just About Everyday
In our daily interactions, how many complaints do we hear every day? One, two, three, maybe more?
My husband doesn’t bother changing the empty tissue container in the bathroom!
My teacher gives me a lot of assignments!
My boss gives me a lot of work all the time!
My hair is too flat and limp!
…..and many more.
People complain about their relationships, parents, school, work, friends, and looks. In short, everything and everyone!
Do you ever wonder why people complain all the time? Is it healthy to complain? Why do we need to stop complaining?
Complaining: Defined
Let’s start from the basic foundation of this blog. What is the meaning of the word ‘complain’?
To complain is to:
- “express dissatisfaction or annoyance about something” (Google)
- “express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction or resentment” (The Free Dictionary)
- “say that something is wrong or not satisfactory” (Cambridge Dictionary)
- “express grief, pain or discontent” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
- “express resentment, displeasure, etc. esp habitually; grumble” (Collins Dictionary)
If you take a closer look at the definitions above, the common denominator would be discontent, dissatisfaction, and displeasure.
With the number of complaints I hear every day, I just can’t imagine how many people are dissatisfied and discontented all the time. But why complain? Isn’t there a better way to do it? Or is it just human nature?
I was the biggest complainer I knew
Yes, like everyone else, I’ve done it. There was a point in my life when I complained just about everything and everyone. I got easily displeased, dissatisfied and discontented even with the simplest and the most trivial things that didn’t go my way.
It’s because, like everyone else,I have a certain level of expectation that has to be met. I was programmed to do things in specific ways and wanted the people around me to follow just that. And if not? I get frustrated and disappointed. When I am disappointed, I feel resented. This resentment leads to complaints. And even though I didn’t voice out my complaints all the time, my actions spoke louder than words.
Why did I do that?
Let’s dig deeper…
Why do people complain?
I am no psychologist, and the things I share with you are solely based on my keen observation and experiences. I think that people resort to complaining because of the following reasons:
1. To air frustrations
Complaining, just like any other emotion, is part of human nature. People usually communicate feelings, and complaining is no exception. I used to believe that expressing your frustrations will help clear the air. And once it’s cleared, everything will be ok. I told myself that somehow, it’s healthy to ‘vent,’ to voice it out rather than to keep it all in. It’s better to blow off some steam little by little rather than wait for it to overflow and erupt like a volcano!
Check this out: Dealing with Negative Emotions (In Karen’s Defense)
2. To blame others
Complaining sometimes is a way for us to keep the blame away from ourselves. More often than not, if something screws up or doesn’t go according to plan, people have a strong tendency to play the “blame game.” It is always someone else’s fault. It is because of someone else’s incompetence. Well, just like the guy I was talking about at the beginning of this blog.
Personally, I did blame the people around me when things didn’t go the right way or didn’t go as they should. See, I am a planner and sort of a perfectionist. Being in IT trained me to be specific and systematic. Everything must go perfectly well. If not, it’s another person’s responsibility.
When being too honest takes you to the next level
I used to think that being so open in my disappointments, voicing out my grievances, and venting out my complaints will help improve my relationships with the people around me. See, honesty is the best policy and I applied this principle (to a fault). I was very critical of every tiny bit that shouldn’t have done better. I was busy finding what’s there to improve rather than what’s there to be proud about. I focused my energy on the one dark spot on the floor when all else was clean.
I was too fixated on finding problems and guess what? I always found problem after problem. I always noticed things that got me so annoyed and frustrated. I always detected things that got me pissed and complained even more.
Too much complaining weighs you down
I said earlier that there were instances in the past when I didn’t openly express my complaints, though it’s a less percentage than me voicing it out. Even if words of complaints were not conveyed, it already changed my mood and affected my entire day. I perceived that I tend to always have creases on my forehead, plus the heavyweight on my chest. That feeling of annoyance started to stress me out and I felt uneasy and burdened. Here’s why:
According to Dr. Travis Bradberry, the author of the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, our body releases extra amounts of the hormone cortisol whenever we complain. All the extra cortisol impairs our immune system. It makes us more susceptible to high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. It can even increase your chance of stroke!
When it is time to turn it around
An elucidation happened when I was watching a TV program one day and saw a complaining situation. I wasn’t paying much attention until I heard those words I usually utter and the situations I usually complained about were broadcasted!
It mentioned that complaining or even just listening to complaints time and time again drains your energy. It stimulates a negative atmosphere, and you imagine how situations would get even worse. Gee, how I was dumbfounded! That was exactly what I often think about: this would go much worse.
Little did I realize that my chronic dissatisfaction hurt not only me but also my close encounters. I didn’t recognize that the negativity was already oozing out of me and that it started to affect the relationships I have with people around me. It came to a point where people at work started to avoid me and just spoke with me when necessary.
A great weight dawned on me when I came to the realization that I have been focusing my energy too much on the negativities around me. It was enlightening that I started to be concerned about how I have influenced the people in my life and how I have hurt not only them but also myself. I felt that I came out in cold sweat and couldn’t even move. That was the signal….this has to change.
How did I stop complaining?
It was a conscious effort on my part, especially in the beginning. Not only that I avoided complaining but avoided complainers too. I make it a point to identify negative thoughts and emotions as soon as they appear in my consciousness and attempt to direct my thoughts to more positive aspects, or to a different subject. I am not perfect but I recognize when it’s happening way faster than before and make an intentional effort to shift.
Do you wonder how I do it? Here’s how:
Have a genuine purpose for the complaint
Note that a “complaint” becomes acceptable if it’s accompanied by a genuine concern in helping to solve a problem. Always keep in mind to try your best to be a part of the solution (and not the problem!). Imagine how the world will change if more people become problem-solvers rather than complainers. It is going to be a much better place to live!
Look for the silver lining
I know it may be cliche, but there is always a silver lining in every situation, no matter how bad it may seem. Before you complain about your neighbor’s loud music, step back– look for the silver lining. Hey! It’s free music for you!
Remember that focusing on the problem will only attract more of the same. The energy frequency of the problem is different from the frequency of the solution, so focusing on the problem will never help solve it. Start focusing on what is working and not on what’s broken, and you will see your life start to change.
Check the other side of the coin
Before you even open your mouth to complain, investigate. What happened? Maybe the 7 pm bus schedule was already fully-booked, and the next possible schedule was at 10 pm? Maybe your boss had some emotional baggage of his own that he forgot to mention that the bus was to leave at 10 pm? Know that one mistake (or even two) does not constitute one’s incompetence.
Keep an attitude of gratitude
I haven’t mentioned this enough. Count your blessings, and be grateful. Negativity will have no place in your heart and mind if you focus on how blessed you are. If you count your daily blessings, you will realize that there is nothing for you to complain about.
Remember that complaining is toxic to your vibration. The way to handle it is to focus on how you want things to be, not on how they are if they are not the way you desire. Focusing on the solution is what puts you in the solution receiving vibration.
Only when I shifted my energy to the brighter side of things did my life become lighter. My dissatisfaction does not affect my mood as it did before. The people I worked with became more open in having worthy conversations with me. My son and I make it a point to spend bonding time together and talk about anything under the sun. These all happened because I chose to be a magnet of positivity.
Let me close this blog with this quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer:
“Perspective is everything. It is not what we see, but the way we see it. When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.”
Have a Blissful week!