Self-love in a Relationship

Right now, there are dozens of dating apps available to single (and even the not-so-single) people to meet their Mr. or Ms. Right. The media we consume also glorifies romantic relationships – leading us to believe that happiness can only exist where there is romantic satisfaction. With this kind of mindset, will self-love in a relationship be possible?

How we see romantic relationships

When I was a little girl, my idea of a romantic relationship was that of a fairy tale:

Boy meets girl.
They fall in love.
They get married.
They overcome difficulties.
They live happily ever after.

If only it were that simple. 

A lot of people, my previous self included, think that relationships are supposed to be pure sunshine, love, and laughter. This built up a standard that’s impossible to be met by people. Of course, we want to be treated well, prioritized, and cared for – but expectations of perfection can never be met by imperfect people. When the rubber meets the road, unrealistic expectation leads to frustration, frustration to disappointments, and disappointments to fights, and eventually break-ups.
If you ask me, I honestly think that these all root out from us romanticizing the idea of love too much. It comes to the point that our partners become our whole world, and we lose ourselves in the process. We expect our partners to fill up the holes and keep us happy and satisfied when the truth is they were never meant to play that role.

Why most relationships fail

I am not a relationship expert, but what I learned through the years is what I am sharing with you. Hopefully, you will gain some insight from it. So, here are some of the reasons why most relationships fail:

1. The belief that “opposites attract”

Actually, you attract what you are. If you are insecure, unhappy with your life, and hoping to find a partner that will “fill the gap”, you will more likely than not find a partner that is insecure, unhappy and looking for you to fill in the gap… 

So the cliche “love yourself first” really applies here. The secret is to first, create a life that you love, before adding someone else to the mix. Learn to love your own company. Find what fulfills you. Nurture the most important relationship of all: your relationship with yourself.

2. The fear of being alone

I can’t live without you. Please don’t leave me.

A sense of belongingness is a human need that has to be fulfilled. People tend to stay in a relationship even if it doesn’t serve them anymore because their partner becomes their safety net. They believe they cannot make it on their own.

Going back to reason number one: first, invest in yourself and create your foundation. If you are looking for a partner because you are afraid you will end up alone, you will be basing your relationship on fear, and not love. How well do you think that will work out?

3. The expectation of others

You are perfect for each other. You are a match made in heaven! 

Whether we admit it or not, we sometimes regard the opinions of friends and families more than ours. We fear that our decisions may affect how important people in our lives see us. 

As with any other goal you should have in your life, your desire is what should determine what goes in your list – never the expectations of others.

I mean, considering this blog is geared towards you finding and living your best and most blissful life.

Is self-love in a relationship possible? 

I, myself, have a fair share of messed-up relationships.

When I was younger, I didn’t realize the importance of self-love. I tended to give everything without leaving anything for myself. I am naturally a giver, so giving love to the people who matter to me, especially my partner, was not so much effort. As such, though, I also had certain expectations on how to receive love; and whenever my love language was not reciprocated, I was shattered. 

I used to feel that my partner didn’t appreciate me or didn’t value me as much as I did him. I didn’t realize then that I, too, had my shortcomings. And I definitely didn’t honor my boundaries!

It took time for me to adjust how I see things and refocus the love on myself. Now that I am overflowing with self-love, I have tips for you if you are wanting to love yourself first, even while in a romantic relationship.

How to keep your self-love in a relationship

Know your worth

You cannot give what you do not have.

Losing yourself in your relationship is more exhausting than any romantic heartbreak. I am not saying that you limit the love you give, but to leave some for yourself. If you love yourself enough, you will take care of yourself and value yourself as much as you take care of and value others. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of it all. You have to nurture and nourish your love for yourself so much that you can give more to others. 

Realizing your worth will leave no room for jealousy and insecurity. You will know that you are enough and worthy of the love you give and receive. And when you know your worth, your partner realizes that too!

Stay in tune with your feelings

Be honest and honor how you feel. When you are in tune with your inner feelings, you will feel when something is off. Acknowledge it and do something about it. 

Do your partner’s habits bother you? Lovingly tell him and explain your reasons why. Staying in tune with your feelings can help create open communication in your relationships. Loving yourself is knowing how to compromise without jeopardizing your mental health. 

Have your me-time

You and your partner are expected to be together most of the time. However, having activities without each other will also be good. Find activities of your own. Spend some alone time. This will help you recharge, revitalize and unwind. Plus, having your own hobbies and passion gives you sources of joy that are not dependent on your partner.

Maintain your own social circle

When people are in a relationship, everything becomes shared. Common activities, common friends, common favorites. In support of having your me-time, you also need to keep your own social circle. It is healthy to have common friends, but it will also be good to have your own friends and that they have theirs.

Know your love language

While I was in the process of learning my self-love after a long-term relationship, I became fond of looking for examples of how happy couples should be. One important insight I have learned is knowing your love language. This is important because everyone is unique and has their own way of giving and receiving love. I suggest reading the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman and finding out what’s yours and your partner’s!

Know that your relationship is yours

Know that your relationship is yours and not with other people. You don’t have an obligation to always tell other people what is going on in your relationship. It is always nice to have a support system in your relationship, but the most important people will be the two of you. Resolve things on your own without involving other people. This way, you maintain your individuality.

Romantic relationships have their special way of making us feel content and happy, and we tend to overlook our relationship with ourselves. It must be regarded with the same attention we give to our romantic relationships.

Remember, even when you eat together, you brush your own teeth.

Have a blissful week!