Practical Tips for Setting Personal Boundaries
Especially for us women, setting personal boundaries can be a challenge. We are taught since our early years to comply, be agreeable, and not hurt anyone’s feelings. We are punished (or “disciplined”) for trying to stand our own ground or having divergent opinions.
As a parent, I can understand how this comes about despite our best intentions. We assume we always know what is best for our kids and use our power to make them eat those vegetables, drop that videogame, go take a shower, get to bed at a certain time. Besides, we need to maintain compliance at a reasonable level to keep a certain sense of routine and order.
But when parents give their kids no choices, these are habits that become difficult to break later in life. Especially when kids are always discouraged to act according to their instincts and wishes because they clash with our plans. So we grow into people pleasers. We are constantly afraid of displeasing others, because that triggers our primal fear of losing our parent’s love. Maybe we could do better as parents for our kids, but even as grown ups we can and should learn to establish better personal boundaries.
What happens is, for your relationships in life to be healthy, boundaries are crucial. Setting and sticking to them is a difficult skill for many people to master, though. But when you do, you learn you stress less, have more peace of mind and increase your self-worth. When you establish personal boundaries, you tell others you understand what your limits are and that they should be respected.
The question is, how can you set boundaries when you are in the habit of letting others disrespect them?
Read below for some great tips you can use.
Identify what your limits are
The first thing you need to do to be able to set boundaries is to identify what your personal limits are. Each of us has different sets of limits that define what should be our boundaries. Start by making a list of your mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional limits.
To help you with that task, begin by thinking about what makes you feel stressed and uncomfortable in your day to day life. What can you tolerate and what is not OK? I’ve come to realize recently that too much noise around me while I’m working disrupts my focus. Loud noises while I’m working are definitely not acceptable as they totally break my flow. Interruptions is another thing that makes my list and they need to be limited within reason.
Once you have a list of your limits, you’ll have a good idea of the type of boundaries you need to set. Feel free to add on as you notice them happening in your life.
Allow yourself
Self-doubt, fear, and guilt are the main feelings that set us back from establishing boundaries. You may worry about what the other person’s reaction will be. Or maybe you don’t feel comfortable saying no as you believe you should submit yourself to certain situations imposed by others in order to “maintain peace”, or achieve a goal. Remember, though, that “maintaining peace” when you have no inner peace is not going to work in the long run. It is ok, and necessary, to first preserve your peace of mind. There can’t be real healthy and respectful relationships if you don’t start first respecting yourself, and your own limits.
Give yourself permission to set boundaries. Understand that doing so is healthy. They not only contribute towards better relationships with others, but they also build up your self-worth.
Just say no without an explanation
A tough but great tip for establishing your boundaries is to begin to say no without providing a reason. Have you noticed that whenever you say no, you feel like you need to justify? The problem with that is it becomes negotiable and up for discussion. Your boundaries should be like impenetrable walls, or at least portrayed as such. Besides, giving explanations generally leads to us feeling guilty afterwards for requesting for it. Just say no.
Saying no without giving explanations is much healthier. If you think about it, you do not owe anyone an explanation for not wanting or accepting something. As tough as this tip can be, try it some time. You will be surprised how freeing it is when you start saying no without justifying yourself.
Take a break from toxic relationships
If you are in a toxic relationship of some kind, know you are not alone – most of us are. Whether it’s an unhealthy relationship with a friend, work colleague or family member, taking a step back is one of the best ways to set a boundary. Even if you feel you can’t distance yourself from that person (for example, it’s your boss and you can’t get a different job or a transfer), look for ways to distance yourself. Keep communication to a minimum necessary. Otherwise, take a break or if it’s really toxic the best is to completely get away from it.
When a relationship no longer serves you, taking a break is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. You should never feel guilty about putting yourself first in a toxic relationship. It is actually necessary for your happiness and wellbeing.
Practice
As with any process of establishing new habits that are different than what we are used to, establishing and keeping boundaries will take practice. People around you will also need sometime to adjust to the new rules, and will constantly push you back to try to get things back to the way they were. In the beginning, it will be challenging, but in the long run, it will be second nature to you.
And once you have these firm boundaries in place, your will realize how much happier your life will be. You will feel more empowered and people around you will respect you more. Setting and keeping personal boundaries is not your right, but also a need. It is up to you.
As in many improvements that can be learned and implemented during our self growth path, it all starts with a personal decision. Will you decide today you deserve and will take the steps needed to implement your boundaries?
