Self-Love for Personal Success

“The power of self-love is greater than any other relationship— after all, you’re there for you, through thick and thin, no matter what.”

I saw this post on social media today and it struck me. On many occasions, we tend to take care of our relationships with the people around us: our partner, our friends, our kids, our family – first before ourselves. We were not exposed to the idea of ‘self-love’ early on.

Why so? 

It’s because we were taught the putting others first way of life, it’s how it’s supposed to be. We were afraid of being called ‘selfish’ and ‘self-centered.’ But, is being selfish and self-centered all that bad?

Sharing is Caring

When I was young, my mom would ask me to share my food with others even if it was the last piece of my favorite treat. Of course, as an obedient child, I did what I was told. I grew up having the idea to share what you have with others because ‘sharing is caring.’ Apart from this, I was also taught to just ‘get what you need and leave some for others’. This is humanity. These are good values. And I have nothing against them.

As I grew a little older, I met several people who I thought were ‘selfish’ because they didn’t want to share their food or didn’t want to give out a sheet of paper even when they had several with them. 

Setting Personal Boundaries

One time, I asked my classmate why she didn’t give a sheet of paper to our other classmate who was asking from her. She simply said: My paper is mine and he is not my responsibility. 

Looking back, I realized how assertive she was at such a young age. It even amazed me how easily she said ‘no’ and how clearly she defined her boundaries.

Unlike that classmate of mine, many of us have difficulty saying “no” to people. We tend to give and give without expecting anything in return. It feels like an obligation to always say “yes.”

I have always been more of a ‘giver’ than a ‘taker.’ It was easy for me to provide for the needs of others above my own – especially after becoming a mom. It sometimes came to a point of self-neglect just to make sure that the people around me were happy and satisfied. However, that constant giving left me with a feeling of exhaustion. It came to a point where I felt so depleted that I had nothing more to give. I felt empty, alone, and exhausted. 

It was an internal struggle… a point where I felt the need to refocus and recharge. It was a realization towards my self-love journey. Being on this journey though is not a walk in the sun. It was more of a walk on the rough road. It felt like I was at a constant crossroads: will I choose myself first or others?  It was a conscious, continuous effort to choose myself first. 

Let me share my discoveries with you:

I learned self-compassion

Self-compassion equates to self-kindness. It’s very often that we are kind and understanding to other people. We forgive them easily if they did us wrong. We give excuses for them and justify why such actions were made and we forgive them. As opposed to if we weren’t able to reach the goal we set for ourselves. More often than not, we beat ourselves up and feel bad about why we didn’t work harder for it. We criticize and blame ourselves for the mistakes we make. 

In the book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, Kristin Neff Ph.D. mentioned that when we feel inadequate, insecure, or in emotional or physical suffering, self-compassion means being kind and understanding toward oneself. 

Self-compassionate people accept that they will face obstacles in life and are flawed, thus they are patient with themselves. 

In other words, we have to cut ourselves some slack by extending the same understanding and kindness we offer to other people towards ourselves, and channeling it inward. Understanding that we are humans and we make mistakes. What’s important are the lessons learned from those failures. And to forgive ourselves in the process.

I learned self-acceptance 

I have mentioned this in my previous blog before. One important ingredient in the journey to loving yourself is knowing what and who you are and appreciating your uniqueness. As I accepted myself, I discovered what my strengths and weaknesses are. Consequently, this gave me more leeway in choosing what works for me and what doesn’t. I learned to enhance my strengths further and try to improve on my weaknesses too.

Accepting myself completely gave me that level of confidence in knowing what I can and cannot do. And knowing how to strategize more towards what I think is suitable for me.

I learned self-reliance

Being self-reliant is having control over your life, being self-motivated, and being capable of taking care of yourself – physically, emotionally, and psychologically. It is having the power drawn from within. Therefore knowing that happiness is rooted within you and is not dependent on others. This means finding happiness even when you are alone.

It is not about waiting for another person to complete you…it is completing yourself first. That way you can offer your whole self to your loved ones. In other words, you have to rely on yourself in finding your own happiness.

I learned self-care

Taking care of yourself is not a new concept for many people. We often hear them say, have your ‘me time’ – go shopping, have your hair done, go to the spa, have mani-pedi. Find activities that relax you, whatever that may be. When you know yourself enough, you will not run out of activities that keep your sanity intact: go to the mountains, exercise, have a walk, meditate, etc, it will be limitless. Then you just have to take your pick. What’s important is to take time off and devote enough time only to yourself.   

Taking care of yourself is also distancing yourself from toxic people or people who influence you negatively. Get rid of them, or at least set some healthy boundaries, even if they are family, co-workers, or friends. 

I learned self-love

After I have gone through self-compassion, self-acceptance, self-reliance, and self-care, I have ultimately reached self-love. 

Self-love means embracing your feelings as they are and prioritizing your physical, emotional, and mental wellness. Self-love pushes you to make good life decisions. When you value yourself highly, you’re more likely to make decisions that benefit your health and total well-being.

Self-love is the foundation. Just like any other foundation, self-love has to be built strongly. Self-love is also the end goal, everything starts and ends with yourself. I know that practicing self-love is easier said than done. Let’s simplify them through the following steps:

Prioritize your needs

Remember the classmate I mentioned earlier? She is a good example of prioritizing her needs first. Simply put, you cannot give water from an empty basin, so fill in your basin first so that you will have something to give and share.

Set your personal boundaries

 Know what serves you and what doesn’t. Lovingly keep at a distance the things that don’t do you well. Honor your feelings and make them known where needed. If words are left unsaid, people around you will not know and are more likely to do it again unknowingly. Then step away, don’t pick up the call, delete the email. Being open to expressing your feelings can be a way to better relationships.

Don’t sabotage yourself

Stop playing the victim. Stop blaming others for the mistakes you have made. Take responsibility, then stop beating yourself up for the things that didn’t work out. Stop thinking that you are not good enough. Fix it and improve for next time.

Take ownership

Accept your mistakes but do not sabotage yourself. Acknowledge that things do not always work out well. Learn from these mistakes but don’t dwell on them. Understand that not every problem is meant for you to solve. 

Self-love is having a healthy relationship with yourself. It is believing that you are whole and that you are worthy of happiness. Honor your desires cause it’s what drives you. When you believe you are not worthy of what you desire, you create resistance to receiving it. When you develop self-love, you break these barriers by acknowledging there is nothing you need to do to prove your worth – you were born worthy of everything you desire.

Realizing self-love is being able to define the thin line and maintaining the balance between loving yourself and loving others.

Some affirmations for self love to ponder:

“Give yourself a break. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Lighten up. Be easier. Go slower. Take it easy. Have more fun. Love yourself more. Laugh more. Appreciate more. All is well.”
Abraham-Hicks

“Give yourself the love you seek, and the Universe will send people who match it.”
Abraham-Hicks

Have a self-loving, blissful week!