4 Reasons The Way You Speak to Yourself Matters

Did you ever pay attention to your internal dialogue? All of us have it. Do you know what is going on in there, or do you let it happen without interfering or getting aware of it? A common conversation I have in my head is about my to-do list, as I endlessly scroll past it to make sure I didn’t forget to write anything down and eventually get it done. That, I don’t pay too much attention to. But when it’s talking about myself, or someone else, and it’s expressing feelings, I pay attention. Is it showing me something I need to act on, or is it just going down a negative and unproductive spiral? And why care if it is? No one else is listening to it, so no harm done, right? Well, below are 4 reasons the way you speak to yourself matters.

Negative Internal Dialogues Are the Default

Before the pandemic, for many years, I used to commute to work – and it was over an hour drive each way. Before I got into the habit of listening to podcasts and using that time to learn something new and feel inspired, I’d let my mind wander during the ride. “Why didn’t they copy me on that e-mail related to my team’s project? Were they trying to exclude me? That manager never really got along with me”. “I need to call my friend A. Why does she never call to check on me though, what’s up with that? I’m always the one who has to keep in touch”. “I forgot to make that dentist appointment – I am such a mess!”.

The thing is, negative thoughts are the default. You need to train yourself to get out of that cycle.

Nowadays I cringe just thinking about the types of thought I let freely range around in my head. Not that they don’t come up anymore! The only difference is that now, I am more into the habit of catching them and breaking free. It’s like a teacher walking into two kids where one’s being mean to the other: “Now, now, let’s make sure we’re being nice here”. But why should you care what internal monologues go inside your head? You’re not acting on them… right?

Why Monitor the Way You Speak in Your Head

You see, the things we say to ourselves, even when no one else is listening, matter. You may think they have no effect whatsoever on our actions. The truth is, our thoughts influence our feelings, and our feelings influence our actions. The good news is you get to decide what you think, and how you react. Easy, right? Well… it is actually a lifelong learned skill, but it does get easier with practice!

Nowadays I frequently catch myself on the act of thinking less of myself or others or just having negative thoughts. When that happens, I intervene and change the conversation. As in: “Well, maybe she was just rushing when she wrote the email and it’s probably nothing personal”. “My friend is forgetful and may not check on me, but when we’re together she is an amazing friend and super considerate!”. “I can make the dentist appointment later and I have actually accomplished a lot this week if I’m being honest”. Aren’t those much kinder thoughts, and really – likely more realistic than the negative ones?

What If We Just Leave Thoughts Unchecked

I let my thoughts run wild for so long, and I believe most people never get to that realization and live like that their whole lives. Why bother? Why shift those thoughts into kinder, more positive, optimistic (often more realistic) ones? Why make the effort? Because it takes some mindful effort. Let me list the main reasons why you should consider the way you speak to yourself.

Negative Thoughts Bring You Down

As mentioned above, thoughts can really feed into how you feel, including about a situation or a person, even yourself. A classic example: a gymnast finishes the solo presentation at a competition she has been perfecting for months. It is an absolutely beautiful performance and both the audience and her team and coach cheer on her when she’s done. All she can think about, however, are all the tiny silly mistakes she’s made. And in her head, she’s beating herself, because she had practiced those moves so many times! Result: she won’t allow herself to receive any compliments or recognize how great that achievement was. She is, unfortunately, more likely to have a bad time about it, instead of celebrating it for what it was, even if she does not win the competition… she may even be at a higher risk for depression and anxiety.

If she however gave herself the gift of grace, recognized she did her best, the presentation was not perfect but was beyond expectations, and accepted the praise, how much happier would she be, and how much more would she be enjoying the competition and gym life?

The Things You Say to Yourself Impact Your Actions

If you’ve ever festered angry and resentful thoughts about someone, then made a harsh decision on what to do about the situation you were thinking about, you know this is true. This is just an example, but your resulting action is often a resolution derived from the thoughts you allowed to happen in your mind.

“My friend never calls me to invite me for a coffee. I’m also not going to call her and see how long it takes for her to get in touch”. I’ve seen friendships pause for years based on this type of reasoning; and it is completely an action resulting from a thought you don’t even know is true, which is “she doesn’t call because she doesn’t care about me”. What if you called and she said something like “my father in law had a heart attack last month and it’s been hectic, I have been thinking of calling you!”. Even if nothing stopped her from doing it. Do you enjoy each other’s company? Is it really that important to keep tabs? Some people are just better than others at keeping in touch. Maybe she is better than you in other things, like finding cool places to go to.

It Impacts Your Health

Negative emotions resulting from negative thoughts going on in a loop inside your head can increase your levels of stress. As you must know, elevated levels of stress increase your cortisol production, which negatively affects your blood rate and blood pressure. If you are at an emergency, this may be beneficial as long as it’s sustained temporarily to resolve the issue that triggered it (such as having a quick reaction in traffic to prevent a crash), but for prolonged periods of time, it could have a harmful effect physically manifested in your body.

What you think and allow to happen in your head could have that effect, so make sure you are paying attention, and keeping those thoughts in check.

Words Can Either Destroy or Build

Here we have been talking about all the negative impact words can have, but what about the positive? Have you ever felt lifted when someone says something nice about you? Why not do that to yourself in your head every now and then? Celebrate yourself, recognize all your accomplishments, effort, and hard work! Give yourself a mental pat on the back. Think good things about others, too! What were some nice things you have seen happen around you lately? What you focus on expands, so make sure to spend some time today thinking about the positive. Deal?

Conclusion

I hope this has been helpful in clarifying the importance and power of words, even when they’re just in your head. Can you think of more reasons the way you speak to yourself matters? Leave them at the comments if you do, I may add them to the list. Thanks!