Can Being Too Kind Be Bad For You?

Kindness is a key component to a happier and more loving world, and the popular phrase “if you can be anything, be kind” is as relevant as ever. We actually wrote an entire article about the importance of being kind here. So, why this now, and can being too kind be bad for you?

It’s always refreshing to come in contact with somebody who is genuinely kind. Just being around them can feel rejuvenating. Just last weekend I was at a barbecue at a friend’s backyard, and one of her friends who was over was one of the nicest people I’ve met. She has such an amazing heart it is contagious, and of course, soon I’ll be having them over. Because everybody just wants to be around people like that.

We all could benefit from being more altruistic and kind. We can and should always choose to be kind.

But when you’re too nice for your own good, it can end up hurting more than helping. So the answer is yes: in certain circumstances, being too kind can be bad for you, and you should recognize them so you can protect yourself from the possible negative consequences.

Should I Not Be Nice Then?

These are the occasions when being nice and kind can be bad for you:

• when you are dealing with people who will take advantage of your willingness to help
• when you are being kind for the wrong reasons
• when you are attending to others’ needs in detriment of your own

Below are the negative consequences that can happen:

You may become resentful

By giving everyone else so much of what they want from us – time, attention, money, or whatever it may be – we’re teaching them not only bad habits around taking care of their own self-care needs but also neglecting our personal well being in favor of others’ wants and desires.

If that’s the case, it can cause you to feel resentment towards the people and situations around you. However, because you are naturally a super nice person, you will avoid having a conversation around it out of fear of upsetting others. And that will just compound and be an issue for your mental health and self-esteem.

You may attract abusive and needy people into your life

It is not so uncommon for overly nice people to attract those who do not have their best interests at heart. The result? People may come to you only when they need something. That’s unfortunate but it happens; since it leaves open an opportunity for unscrupulous types (who know how goodhearted you are) into your life, often leading to uncomfortable situations.

You may lose respect from people

When dealing with the wrong crowd, people will assume they can take your kindness for granted. They will assume it will never be a problem because you never demonstrate being upset. They will disrespect your boundaries and freely come back asking for more. This can be tough for you because you would never abuse other people’s kindness that way.

You may expect reciprocity – and get disappointed when it doesn’t happen

As mentioned above, for a naturally kind person, it is hard to imagine how someone could use that to their advantage. The truth is not everybody operates by the same premises as we do, and they can’t see boundaries the way we do. We are responsible for setting them and making them clear to others when necessary.

When you are too kind, you may also be naive and think otherwise. Being a naturally nice person can bring out the naivety in us as we may inherently believe that other people have the same regard for our welfare as we would for theirs. The fact is, it is not natural for everyone to be nice as it is for you.

At times it will be up to you to communicate clearly what your expectations and limits are.

You may forget to fill your own cup

We have so far stated that some, maybe a small portion of the people you interact with, will ask for the entire arm when you offer a hand. They may not be bad people necessarily but are nevertheless opportunistic. They will get what they can take from you, and even become angry and lash out if they don’t get their demands as they want.

To keep things peaceful, you may bend over to satisfy these people’s requirements and even forget to take care of yourself in the process. This brings us back to later feeling resentful or becoming passive-aggressive.

How to Prevent These Situations

You can still be kind without it being bad for you, just make sure you follow these general recommendations.

Make a decision

The first step is to decide where to draw the line. Where does being kind make you happy and where does it start feeling like too much? That’s a question you need to ask and define yourself. As long as it feels good to you, it is not too much and it is not bad for you.

Draw the line

This may be the hardest part because it may evoke reactions you would rather not have to deal with, but it’s part of dealing with people. Besides, if you have people in your life who regularly take advantage of you, you should probably reconsider if you want to continue having them around, or at least set a healthy distance.

Drawing the line means clearly telling others what your boundaries are. That does not require being rude or angry, simply stating your limits. No explanations required. Remember, you are already the one being kind and usually, that means offering your time and energy without expecting anything in return. That’s something people should be grateful for, and not demanding of.

Be honest with yourself and people who are benefitting from your kindness. If you do expect something in return, kindly let them know! Many people would be happy to return the favor but don’t naturally have the impulse to.

Don’t be kind to get other’s approval

Under the category of being nice for the wrong reasons, be honest about why you offer your kindness to others.

Being kind should come from a place of love, not out of fear.

Don’t feel guilty

It is a great thing to be kind! However, it is also a healthy thing to take care of yourself. It is a healthy thing to set and maintain boundaries. You will notice, with time, the quality of your relationships will improve and people will show more respect for you.

So go on and keep being awesome and spreading that kindness! The world needs more people like you. Just don’t forget you are responsible for being kind to yourself, first. After all, you cannot pour from an empty cup. 😉

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